Hi! My name is Anna, "You'd really like me if you got to know me. I've known me for years and I love me."
Word count: less than 100 000 (of pure torture)
I've never thought I'll find a book so thoroughly bad. REAL fails in every way imaginable (and more). Grammar that will have you weep! Repetitions! Awkward as fuck language! Sentences that don't make sense! Punctuation that will make you homicidal! It's all there! Who could possibly resist?
I don't even know where to start, so just roll with it.
'Riptide' Remington Tate - male MC, does lot's of illegal boxing.
Brook - his luv (why she goes everywhere with him? To help him stretch, apparently... Yes. It's that stupid.)
*Mel - Brook's slutty, hyper active friend.
*** WARNING!!! This review may be quite long, but I promise, it's mostly gifs***
*** ANOTHER WARNING!!! If I use the word "literally" in this review, I mean it. No figurative new-age bullshit here. I'm against raping this poor word.***
SPOILERS - fuck that shit. Nothing happens. It's not like there's anything to spoil. LITERALLY.
Let's start with writing (writhing in agony while experiencing this sorry excuse of "English"). Even if I'd love the story and characters (HA HA LOL) this book still would deserve a very low rating. Why? It shouldn't even get published! You wouldn't get a passing grade for any paper with that usage of language. Grammar and punctuation were appalling. Combined with the story and characters they made a mixture I must refuse. Reject. Belittle. Criticize. Throw against the wall. Scream at it. Kick it. Jump on it. Bite it. Burn and scatter the ashes over different bodies of running water.
You need to understand I'm not a native English speaker. I don't notice grammatical mistakes easily. If I was traumatized by something, it must have been serious. And every single paragraph of this book was dreadful. LITERALLY.
This book contains EVERY IMAGINABLE TYPE OF A MISTAKE.
Giving examples is hard, since there's usually more than one thing fucked up in a sentence. Just stay with me and appreciate the ride.
Why? Why?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Someone should slap the author. Is she that incoherent while she speaks? I don't mean little mistakes (though trust me, they were as plentiful as bacteria in your rectal canal) but huge ones that slam into your face turning you into a pug. Particularly ugly one that looks like it's having a seizure.
"It tickles when he exhales, and he’s so close, his lips would brush the back of my ear if he speaks." Yes, conditional sentences are hard (not).
|if||+||Past Simple||,||WOULD + verb in a basic form|
You're a native speaker, for fuck's sake! Get your shit together!
Unfortunately I've lost my best 'bad grammar' quotes, :C but they included an 's' missing from a verb in a third person. Yes, it's REAL, it's happening.
You can also witness a coma carnage. There's no other way to put it. I know punctuation is debatable. I know. But! I want to protest against those barbaric customs.
First of all - stop eating commas! It's inhuman! What have they ever done to you?!
"I’m so worried to see him like this it’s eating me." Comma anywhere? I'm no expert, so I could be wrong. But I also could be right. Bitch. And if I'm not correct in this case... there were more. A lot more.
"It’s grounded in me to protect her even from myself."
Second - don't just randomly drop (put) them in! What are you? Skrillex? Is this your version of dropping the bass?
"I inwardly flinch at the power in his punch; my body clenches at the sight of his muscles contracting and tensing, working and releasing, with each punch he delivers." The last coma is superfluous. Why? because she's not giving additional info, she's fucking LISTING THINGS.
I probably should find some better examples, but fuck it. I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown here!
Right in the punctuation
"His image becomes a big blur through the tears in my eyes, and I have to swallow back the plea building in my throat where I want to beg him to, for the love of god, stop with this bullshit..."
“If I’d looked at you, I wouldn’t have been able to through with it.” Have you seen a missing word? Anyone? His family is worried sick! (No, I didn't type it in wrong. I've checked. Several times. I still can't believe it.)
"That night, I’m flying to Seattle, slumped in my seat, feeling as heavy and empty as an abandoned building, and I wonder as I stare unseeingly out the window if he’s already back to blue, and if he’s already reading my letter." SO. MUCH. WRONG.
"We’re in Los Angeles now, and the weather here is so blessed by the gods, I just want to be outside all day."
I don’t think the author knows what certain words mean.
"The bell rings, and all the atoms in my body hone in on Remington as both fighters go to center and toe to toe." I point it out because it's not the only sentence in which she abused it.
Inventing words! Isn't that fun? (Not REALly)
“That his touch can arouse me to the extent it does makes me feel drunk and high and impossibly trembly. “ a) comma anywhere? B) WTF?!
You may also find yourself on the quest (yes, this is "the" ultimate quest) for missing prepositions. Or just a hunt for incorrect ones (hey, let's not limit ourselves!)
"He just opened up an unquenchable thirst and I don’t feel satisfied, but feel empty and anxious. My entire existence tonight is focused in watching that door."
Half sentences. 'nough said. Because random commas aren't bad enough. Let's add random periods too! That should be fun! There were perfectly fine sentences that had a sudden period in the middle 0.0 I'm a woman. Sudden periods have no appeal for me .
What has been seen...
Word order - why not make it random? It's totally fine. (NOT)
Or maybe the author is just misunderstood! She pushes boundaries of language! It's artistic and deep and innovative! And one of her signature moves is double repetition. There was A LOT of it. A true multitude.
"You make me deliriously happy and delirious, period"
“He licks his way into my warm mouth, with soft, probing licks, until I’m open and gasping…”
“I lived my entire life without him, but we made this crazy connection, and I just feel empty without him.”
"He smiles a satanic smile"
"all the length of my pink jean-clad thigh pressing against his jean-clad thigh"
clench - the number of "clenches" is too damn high.(71) So 71 on 479 pages. A clench every 6 pages. (not counting various synonyms) Clenching and tightening happen multiple times on about every page.
throb - that was popular too! (22)
sex - 153 (many of which are used as a synonym for vagina)
lick - 90 (mostly in an utterly weird context)
I feel - 117
feel - 354
But you know what, in a way it's magnificent. That book is great at being monotone! One of ways to achieve it are repetitions. Certain words are like herpes. They keep comping back.
Lets roll out more quotes! (I don't need to do much, just show you those scream inducing things)
"The instant he comes trotting down the wide hall between the stands, in that shiny red hooded robe, my pulse jumps, my tummy clenches, and I have the awful desperate urge to flee back to my home." You don't flee to places, you flee from places. Just saying. AND the first comma is totally unnecessary. WTF? Why? Why did you put a comma there? Were you on crack? Give me some! I'll fucking need it to finish this review.
"Like radiation, there’s something I should be able to take to protect myself, but I just can’t figure it out." I'm pretty sure radiation doesn't have to take any pills, since it has no stomach... No. I will not 'take it easy'.
“It’s hard to watch you fight, but to watch you suicide yourself is…” NO.Just no. FUCK YOU!
"The word “bipolar” is not really a word I’m familiar with, except by listening to it from afar. I’ve never met anyone who’s had it..." What? You've never met anyone that had this word? Poor you. Now, seriously. You don't 'have' a bipolar. You 'are' bipolar. You can have a 'bipolar disorder' though. And no, I refuse to comment on the rest of horrid things in this sentence.
“A stream of sensations shoots through my body as he comes trotting out, and I instantly feel the liquid heat gushing into my panties” How about 'as he trots out'? No need to make it so awkward. Though with all those liquids... I don't think many would notice. (Yes! Lets disguise one fuck-up with an even bigger one! That should work.) Is she about to give birth? Or maybe has issues with urinal incontinence?
“The bugs flutter all over my stomach as I remember him telling Pete and Riley for me not to see.” My brain hurts.
“People are even littered out in a hall” FUCK. YOU!!!
"When I’m done, he brushes my hair back and looks positively intimate." You know what, you've been feeding me this 'language' for so long, I don't now if it's ok or not. Can a person look intimate? A situation can be intimate. But this? Congratualtions! You broke my English! Are you happy? ARE YOU?!
"He grabs the cotton in his fist and with a muscular yank, tosses it over his head, and I quickly slide my hands over his chest, kissing every part I can get."
a) 'muscular' is not used for describing actions (at least it wasn't until now). An arm can be muscular, a guy can be muscular, I'd even accept a muscular jellyfish (under right circumstances. Trippy.)... but there's no muscular walk, muscular jump, muscular fall and, as an extension, muscular yank.
b) PUNCTUATION BITCH!
c) 'kissing every part I can get'... Unless his body parts are on sale (creepy) than nope, something is missing. Like: 'kissing every part I can get to' or simply 'reach'. But who cares! They want to fuck! What is grammar and punctuation in light of THAT!
"She puts love songs to me, and I cling to the lyrics like she wrote them for me" *weeps in a corner* Please, stop, the damage will be irreversible!
Sometimes it's hard not to give a fuck. Just know that I've tried
"I want to bend down and touch and kiss him right there" Cause god forbid we call penis 'penis'.
I thought I’m the undisputed queen of bad metaphors, but author of REAL really takes the cake. (HA HA, I wonder how many bad puns I can squeeze in *cries*) I’m not sure where she takes it… Maybe to a bakery, “to see other cakes”.
"I’m desperate to give myself some relief from the continual, exhausting hormonal rampage of being exposed to him. Like radiation, there’s something I should be able to take to protect myself, but I just can’t figure it out."
“He looks so impossibly handsome my insides flutter with renewed intensity”
“His stare is so hot it galvanizes me”
"Impotent anger rages through me, making my throat curl tightly around my words."
"The way his eyes claw into me."
"He trains like an animal. Hours and hours with Coach, and then he still seems as fresh as sunshine when he comes ask me to run with him the evenings." Yeah! Not only is it stupid because a) animals don't train b) fresh as sunshine? c) comes TO ask me! What did I tell you about missing prepositions!?
"I feel richer than a country." Well, I AM richer than a country. Most countries. actually. They're all in fucking debt! Is that supposed to impress me?
licking……….. “He groans a male sound as he turns his head and licks my cheek.” Or “He slowly, wetly, licks my jaw. My chin. And then… my lips.” You see what I mean? “He licks his way into my warm mouth, with soft, probing licks, until I’m open and gasping…” All three are taken from the same fucking paragraph.
“… he murmurs, licking into my ear, his eyes sparkling…” Fuck logic. Eww! Isn't that deliciously disgusting?
"He scents the back of my ear. Then I feel his hand, scraping down my hair, softly petting me. His tongue follows, lightly lapping the place on my neck he bit in the
shower. He drags it along the curve of my shoulders, my ear, awakening every inch of my skin. I feel like he’s a lazy lion, bathing me with his tongue, licking and nuzzling me."
“He makes me feel eighteen. Virginal and wanton.”
“I bend to the shell of his ear and softly buzz my lips along his earlobe” Gurl, you’re way more fun than me. What is wrong with them? He vibrates, she buzzes… Fuckig….
"My extremities tingle when I peek up at his shadowed face and realize I’m in bed with him." What are you? An alien?
Isn't that sexy?
"A drop of water clings to one of the small, brown tips of his nipples, and it takes all my willpower to fight against a deep, soul-shattering need to lean over and suck it into my mouth. Not the drop of water. His nipple." Thanks for the clarification. I thought you were parched.
"His nakedness in the moonlight makes me wet in the mouth, and between my legs, legs which feel like cotton now."
"He fucks my ear with slow, deep flicks of his tongue."
"I’m almost cross-eyed with desire"
"His erection bites into my stomach, and I realize he’s gone completely territorial"
"Remington vibrates against me"
"His erection vibrates in my hand, and I shake with a new, even fiercer need when I feel his size, his strength, pulsing hot and commandingly. " I think something is very wrong with Remington. And you. People don't vibrate (or my boyfriend's been lying to me. Should I feel cheated? ). And no, this is not a correct use of the word commanding".
There was so much wrong with the sex scenes... I'm not certain if the author ever had sex. You see, men don't remain 'hard as a rock' after having an orgasm.
Some more explicit sex-quotes in the spoiler (if someone's interested):
Or how about this little gem?
"Pete’s words roll inside my head as I stare off into the peach-colored hotel wallpaper." This is one of those dramatic moments when short sentences would do. Congratulations! What a wonderful way to spoil the dramatic tension! You just suddenly decide to start giving us interior designs details?! REALly?
And, naturally, we also have annoying nick-names. That's standard procedure nowadays...
This author parted with logic and common sense in early childhood and, apparently, never looked back.
A sweaty violent guy chases you, grabs you and asks for your name. What do you do:
a) Banana dance
b) Tell him to let go
c) Scream for help
d) Give it to him
And let's get something straight. If something clenches in me at a boxing match, it’s usually my stomach because I’m about to throw up. I don't get horny to the point of loosing my mind upon seeing two guys pound each other (or do I? *wiggles eyebrows*) Is something wrong with me?
Brook is stupid. What was the most humiliating thing in her life? A contusion during a sports competition. She repeatedly talks about it, but doesn't focus on how it ruined her life, oh no, she goes on about how humiliating it was. Getting injured during a sport event is not humiliating. Running and having your knee give out is tragic, heartbreaking, devastating... Let's all pay attention to language we've agreed on.
She really wants to fuck a guy - then proceeds to call it 'love'
She has no survival instinct.
I hate her best friend, Melanie. I usually dislike 'besties' in books, I do. But in this case it nearly drove me insane.
a) slut shaming. MC calls her friend a slut (in her thoughts) and generally thinks badly of her.
b) said friend has an IQ of a toaster (but our MC is one chromosome from being a potato, so that works for them, I guess...)
c) Melanie (friend) has no sense of what is appropriate, and when (her "jokes" and "pranks" made me want to slap her. In the face. With a hammer. A hammer truck, preferably) Isn't ordering food in a drive-through and leaving others to pay funny? Oh, hilarity.
d) Mel calls Brook a whore. Repeatedly. That's not funny. But then she goes all cute, using nicknames (like 'goose' or 'nugget'). But that's just because Emmerson said that "Consistency is a hobgoblin of little minds" and Mel is s very deep person.
e) infantile, stupid & bitchy
"There she is. Right out of a Legally Blonde movie.My sweet Melanie, hauling a flashy pink suitcase behind her and with her blond hair loose and a pair of sunglasses atop her head. She’s not a bimbo, but she sure likes dressing like one. As an eclectic interior designer, she brings the touch of eccentric to her person too. As far as she’s concerned, everything goes well together. And today she looks like a rainbow, lighting up my world." I hope you die a horrible death.
But that's ok, because other characters don't matter at all. They have no personalities whatsoever. Nothing matters apart form MCs' sex drive.
I don’t think the author understands what illegal underground fighting means. With all the publicity, 2.3 million twitter fans… MC even wants to be able to use working with him as a future job reference! Are you fucking kidding me?
And he's rich. Millionaire rich. Private jet owning rich. He's a star that's in advertisements. And tickets are sold online. By the way, women shouldn't be a majority of the audience at any fights, much less illegal ones. And, no, they don't come there to scream at a hot guy to fuck them.
I can't put enough quotation marks around the word "story" so I won't even try.
Nothing happens. LITERALLY. There's no story. Fights and places are barely mentioned in the passing and aren't very exciting. Riptide always wins without putting any effort into it. All fights are simply descriptions of her clenching sex and him knocking guys out (that part is not described, only her arousal is). No suspense. No action. No detail. Nothing.Only constant, repetitious descriptions of how much she clenches in wanting of his big cock. That's it.
I've never read a book that literally had no story. Now I feel guilty for all the times I've said it in the past.
This book = how much she wants to fuck him (75%) + sex (20%) + rest (5%)
Embodiment of love at first sight. It's revolting.
"I wanted him that first night, when I tried to brainwash myself and pretend I didn’t."
And their relationship never develops. There's no chance for them to get to know each other, so we end up with those two bricks without personalities that want to hump. I can't put into words how bad that is. They don't talk. They don't do things together. And yet they both admit undying love since... They've seen each other for the first time. He KNEW she's the one. He just HAD to have her. Riiiiight... It's really hard to make relationship believable when an entire book consists of descriptions of Brook's horniness.
No character building, no relationship development...
MC is a dumb bitch
There's one 'plot twist/ thing that happens' and it's immensely stupid. Once again – in dealing with a dangerous, probably criminal situation, out heroine doesn’t call the police. She could’ve. She could’ve said that she thinks her sister is kept against her will, that people won’t let her see her. But no, why call for someone authorized to help? Then our little dumb bitch wouldn’t be a “hero”. What's with this trend?
"I want Nora to be safe, but I desperately need Rem back in the hotel, where I’m sure I could try to appease him with sex. If he wants to break me into submission, then by god I’ll let the man believe anything he wants, just to get him calm and easy again."
"I think I want this to be my new home. I think if I’d known this man the day I broke my knee, and he’d held me like this, my knee wouldn’t have even mattered. Only the fact that his arms were around me would." *stab* I just took a pencil in the knee.
"She screams when his opponent falls to the ground with a loud thump. My panties are soaked, and my pulse has gone haywire." Sounds like a sick sadist to me.
"As the fight progresses, my nipples strain, even more puckered and tighter, against my top, pushing anxiously against the silk of the fabric. Somehow watching Remington Tate pound a man they call “Hammer” makes me squirm in my skirt in a way I don’t like, much less ever expected." So gaaaay XD Now isn't that ambiguous? But also SENTENCE STRUCTURE. Is it really the best you can do, Evans? Really? THAT?!
Facts? What are facts? I've never heard of such things...
Everything is wrong.
- illegal fighting.
-Brook sees that her sister touches her nose. Immediate conclusion – she’s doing lots of cocaine. Are there any other symptoms in sight? Nope. Just that. Are there other things you could snort? Sure, but who cares!
- Riptide has thick hair, but no chest hair. Not one in sight. That's what Brook says. I hate to disappoint the author, but human biology doesn't work like that. You're hairy or not. You can't have a thick mane on your head and be smooth as a baby everywhere else.
- how much do you have to pay a few exclusive escorts for wasting their time, when you tell them their services won't be needed? 100$ ... Yes, I know. Even I'd be offended.
- "I don’t understand the overwhelming amount of oxytocin hormones that my body makes" Me neither. Again, author haven't even checked out wikipedia and got really confused.
The portrayal of bipolar disorder. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Please STOP MAKING UP THEORIES! Apparently she didn't even read the wikipedia page.
Now, I'm not an expert, but here's what we learn from REAL:
- bipolar people don't remember their manic episodes (author simplified. Yes, memory and cognitive skills are often impaired, but what she presents is bullshit)
- bipolar person goes from normal to aggressive (Not true, again a grand simplification of what 'mania' is. And if you're describing one of the rare cases in which 'depressive' episodes are absent, it's worth mentioning.)
And I mean it! The average bipolar patient will be depressed more often than manic. And shifts don't happen all that often.
- eye colour changes significantly, when you go into a different 'mode' - I'd like the author to elaborate, because that is a very interesting thing and I haven't read much about it. But nope. All we get is this:
“He was actually under intense scrutiny all those years at the psych ward because of the eye color change,” he adds. “It’s not uncommon for BPs to have it, but it’s
Make up your mind, is it rare or not uncommon?
You want to know how stupid Brook is? She learned he's bipolar. What she does? NOTHING. No research whatsoever! Because it's so hard to google things.
What he tells her about his condition?
"I'm take as-is I'm not medicationg. It makes me feel dead and I intend to live my life alive." Well, I intend to live my life dead :/ What is a proper reaction to hearing that an aggressive, very strong and big guy actually has a mental problem and is not taking any meds?
Apparently, this: "I nod in understanding. I refused to take anti-depressants when I supposedly, clinically, needed them after my fall I believe it is your choice how you live with your sickness, and sometimes the remedy is worse than the disease. He's a man who eats so right, and any chemical can unbalance him. I see that." I see you need a lobotomy.
a) what the fuck is wrong with the last sentence? Can we even call it a sentence?
b) oh, he eats right. That's why he doesn't need meds for his fucking MENTAL DISORDER!!! Because eating right makes you more vulnerable to the evil meds. Wait, what?
c) congratulations! You're a now officially a 'REALly dumb bitch'. Here's your certificate. YOU too didn't take meds when they could have helped...
Meds actually help to balance a bipolar person. Just read about it. Or check out interviews with Beth Heart, she's a singer that suffers form this condition. She talks about how much meds helped her, and what it was like to live with a bipolar disorder without knowing about it.
Or let's look at wikipedia "Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing medications and psychotherapy. In serious cases, in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others, involuntary commitment may be used. These cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation."
So what do we do when our not-medicated Riptide gets out of hand?
Yes,t let's just give him sedatives. Cause that sounds like a reasonable soluton. Not destructive at all.
What doctors say? "It's crucial to treat a manic phase (typically with mood-stabilizing drugs). If untreated, it can progress from an elevated mood to euphoria to extreme disorganization and other common signs of mania -- lack of sleep, increased energy, and disorganized behavior that interferes with relationships,"
But fuck it. We have our love! Who would need medication anyway!
GAH! I'm sorry it's long. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm sorry there's not much structure to it, but I can't get my shit together for this. It was Bad. RALly bad (let's make that a thing, shall we?). I'm done. I give up. I won't even write a proper, to the point, review.
So why have I read it? I've read too many good books lately and needed my suck-o-meter re-set. But admittedly there was no need to take that kind of hopeless plunge into a lego-filled-hole occupied by porcupines. Nope. At least I did a service to humanity by rating the book down...