AnHeC (I'm too fucking busy and vice versa)

Word count: a very short novella

Rating: I don't necessarily love the banana in the box, but damn, what a realistic banana that is

*ARC provided by NetGalley*

I need a special tag for books in which you're not supposed to necessarily love the main character. I'll think of something soon, it needs to be done. Any suggestions?

I can enjoy a well written book about complex characters without them being the pinnacle of perfection. And that's the case with this one.

What do we get here:

A sheltered, naive teenage girl form a wealthy family of politicians. It entails what you'd expect: difficult family relations, fucked-up priorities, rape... The whole fun package.

We see her dealing (or not) with the situation. I found her reactions satisfyingly realistic. No silly bullshit here. Her trauma is the point, not a starting place for luv to happen. Rape affects her. Even though she's painfully naive (and stupid, but hey, I have high standards) I felt for her. She's not evil, just selfish and childish. And now she's hurt and doesn't know how to cope.

I want the rest of the book! This tantalizing snippet was far to short for my taste. I expected to hate it, and ended up pleasantly surprised. If you have a bit of free time it may be worth reading despite being so short.

Word count: about 100 000

Rating: Tumultuous love-hate relationship

RANDOMNESS:

"Your father lives in you"... Simba. Oh, I mean HARRY! Sorry about that.

This book is one of the best and at the same time one of the worst. At least for me. It contains an element I despise - time travel. This is one of the most difficult things to pull off in any book and IMO usually fails miserably. Like it did here.

This is my biggest gripe, something I can't get over no matter how hard I try. If there's time travel than why hasn't that been used as a simple solution to all problems? Why not save Harry's parents? Or just prevent Voldemort from raising to power in the first place? It's bullshit.

Secondly: the more I read the more I see what kind of manipulative, all knowing, pretentious prick Dumbledor really is. He couldn't have known that Harry and Hermione need more time to save Buckbeak. Not at back then (unless he plans over 9000 steps ahead. Which he apparently does)  That annoyed me.

But not just that, oh no. He had no idea Black was an innocent man (he says he testified that Sirius was indeed in the position to betray Lily and James). SO either he has no idea Black is innocent and allows a lot of dangerous, random shit to go down in his school, or is asshole enough to send an innocent man to Azkaban in hope of things magically working out. If you're that much of an manipulative genius than you can deal with the situation on your own and the whole scheme is just a feat of deranged cruelty.

Well, maybe let's not go there. Maybe he simply has this laid-back attitude. You know, the 'I'm old and going to die so why do I care? Let the fun begin!'.

Also, I have a serious case of 'Snape issues' aka 'Why I like a movie version but cringe at the book one'. Severus Snape played by Alan Rickman is cold, aloof, keeps his cool; yes, he has a dark aura around him but doesn't act repulsively, he's severe, but not unjust. In the books? Oh boy, he's prone to random fits of rage, clearly abuses his authority over students, his favouritism is blatant. Yes, I do intend to keep on repeating it in every review, and you can't stop me. Book Snape is a cruel, selfish bitch.

*On a more humorous note, have you noticed a parallel between Smeagul in LOTR and Pettegrew in HP? The 'not killing = debt/bond' that may come in handy later on? Just a curious observation.

What could be praised in this book?

- Hermione didn't tell them about the time turner - very good characterization through actions. I don't love her, but with all her shortcomings she becomes real, comes to life.

- J.K. Rowling in general loves 'showing' and feels very little need for 'telling'. Like when Harry volunteers as tribute during Hagrid's lesson; something that got needlessly changed in the movie. It mattered. The fact that his empathy was  stronger than his fear mattered. They skipped that in the movie.

- Ron's new owlet. Aww. Cuteness overload. And it's so quirky!

- Rowling is generally pretty good with beginnings and endings of her books. First and last sentences are rather memorable. I loved how Harry threatened Dursleys, but in a cute way. He simply revelled in no longer being alone in the world, in having someone on your side.

What the film did wrong:

- In the film Sirius stops to have a chat with harry after they free him, even though he has to GTFO ASAP. Really? In the book it's much better arranged

- Why is warewolf shown as such a monster? Snape had them write a paper on how to distinguish it form a normal wolf. Would be rather pointless if the creature looked like this, now, wouldn't it? Plus how would a dog and a deer control it? 

- I hated the way Tom was portrayed in The Leaky Cauldron. Not funny. Not cool.

Don't get me wrong, they've done a lot of wonderful things with the movie. I do love it.

But it's not perfect.

There could be many more criticisms, but why bother? Both the film and the book were pretty amazing and brought me much joy. Apart from the time travel it is probably the best HP book. It's the least predictable (because of the lack of Voldermort) and nicely combines world-building, character development, action and humour. Rowling has an immensely enjoyable writing style. Little stumbles here and there do little to harm the charm of the novel.

*I'm not quite back yet, but I have to post a few reviews before I forget it even happened...

This is me right now:

I'll be back. Probably around Christmas. But for now I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to satisfy all my professors.

word count: about 80 000

rating: thank fuck we have J.K. Rowling

This book was surprisingly good. I remember not liking Chamber of secrets all that much. Now I realize that the film and the book got confused in my head:

e.g. I hate Dobby. At least that's what I thought. But now I realize I simply hate the animated version. More than that, I hate the Polish dubbed version of Dobby. But in my head it all got ruined... So yes. This re-read was most definitely necessary.

I'll be brief (that's what she said... Ha ha)

I love the characters (apart from Ginny, but  in this case it's also probably film's fault; the movie contributed to my negative feelings. Sorry Bonnie Wright, you may be pretty but you can't act for shit.)

Fred and George? Brilliant and funny. Comic relief is not a nice thing, it's necessary. At least for me. I love to laugh, therefore my favourite books usually have some sort of humour in them (preferably sarcasm, but I'll gladly settle for mischief - like in this case).

While we're talking about characters I'll use this review as an opportunity to refer to an internet article about parallels in HP books (aaaaand any chances of this review being short are gone. I should not have promised that, damn it)

A DIGRESSION (feel free to scroll down to the end of it)

here's the article: http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/11/neville-longbottom-is-the-most-important-person-in-harry-potter?utm_source=newsletter-

It basically states that the old gang (Sirius, James, Remus, Peter) is parallel to the new one (Ron, Harry, Hermione + Neville) and the major difference is in Neville Longbotom - a boy that was in a similar situation to Peter Pettigrew, yet made different choices and ended up in a completely contrary position.

I'd argue something more, I'd say that the old and a new gang (so to speak) are mirrored images of each other - the same but at the same time opposite.

Let's look at the pairs one by one. Sirius and Ron. Not the same at all. Sirius was popular, attractive, good with girls and cocky - as the article says "snarky and fun, loyal to a fault, mired in self-doubts".

Ron is awkward as a duck,  not as funny as F&G, not as handsome as Bill, not as cool as Charlie, and not as smart as Percy - a totally different situation than Sirius had to face. They both come from pure blooded families, but those families are different as can be. Sirius was cool - Ron, not so much. Sirius is good with girls - Ron, seriously? Nope. But he gets a one girl that matters. Sirius is cruel - Ron is full of compassion. Ron is a different kind off cool, one that does not intimidate, one without the air of superiority.

Harry and James - you've got to be fucking kidding me with this one. James was a stuck up asshole. James craves popularity - Harry is famous, but tries to avoid attention, he doesn't chase it. James loved being the centre of attention - Harry hates it. James was cruel - Harry always stands up for others. James has no empathy - Harry has too much of it (IMO). So what if they're both good at quidditch?  That's only a superficial quality.

Remus and Hermione - they're both smart and have excellent grades. But where Lupin craved acceptance so much he'd let James and Sirius do whatever, Hermione always voices her opinions. If Ron and Harry don't like it, too bad. She will not bend for them. Her conviction is strong. Remus did homework for his friends (I bet) Hermione is willing to help others, but will not do work for them.

I love the fact that there's this contrast between the old generation and the new one. That they're similar on the surface but different as can be at the core.

END OF THE DIGRESSION

Now, about the Chamber of Secrets.

There were fewer logical stumbles than in the previous one, but one of them was major. What led Harry and Ron into the Chamber? Stupid fuckery, apparently.

Why did Lockhart open the door and let them in? Why did he tell them the truth? He should be a great liar! He could give them a thousand reasons (or none, after all he owed them no explanation). But ok, he tells them the truth, tries to erase their memory and gets disarmed. Good.

What do Harry and Ron do now? Go to the chamber! Even though just 5 minutes ago they intended to tell the teachers all about it. But suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, they go themselves.

Let's say they feel there's no time to explain and convince other people. Fine. But why take Lockhart with them? Is it supposed to be a punishment for him? A precaution so he doesn't stop them? So what if he tells other teachers where they've gone! He'd be doing them a service! Informing others, so that if they fail McGonnagal can fix things. And taking him with them is just a burden. Now they have an enemy within...

In other words the way they end up in the chamber sucks hairy balls.

That's a negative. What's positive? Well, Harry is a brat. He's not a brave fighter with a grand plan. His 'strategy' consist mostly of panicking. The blind luck saves his life. That, and his character, his moral spine. Which is nice. He's only 12 I didn't think him young when I first read the book because I was 12 too. But now I see a child in him. And that is great. He shouldn't be a skilled fighter.

I like the variety of characters and enjoy a growing complexity of our heroes and, of course, amazing worldbuilding.

In the end I liked this book a lot more than I remembered. Much smoother than the Philosopher's stone.

The adventure continues... soon.

Yes! After waiting for about a month, until I've almost forgotten that I even made a request, I got approved!

Word count: only about 70 000 (seriously, I remember it being longer... A perception of a child is a curious thing)

Rating: a mesmerizing start

As I didn't have an opportunity to post updates as I read I shall include a few loose observations I made along the way, and disguise them as a review. I hope this will be agreeable to most.

Is this a perfect book? Of course not! It has some serious faults that, even as a child, I found mind boggling. But the world is captivating, characters relatable and varied, and narration delightful (yep, that's my opinion. Now bumble off.)

A few loose notes (not all positive & RANDOM):

Food - this was (as it still is) one of the greatest wonders of Hogwarts. The moment I've read about the feast at the beginning of the year, I was 100% in. Can you imagine it? No cooking, no cleaning and a varied choice of food available on a table. Every single day. Wow. Just wow. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact it's an awesome castle. I do. But the food is what made me weep about it being only but fiction.

A way Harry, Ron and Hermione became friends. Now, if you haven't read the book, don't continue with this review! You have been warned. I never understood why did Hermione feel she has to lie to the teachers about what happened with the troll. Couldn't she just tell the truth? That she didn't know about the troll and was sitting in a bathroom? Harry and Ron could have said (as it was true, in fact) that they meant to grab her and go to the common room. That in all the commotion, as they were already on their way to the Griffindor tower, there was no time to look for a teacher to handle it. There. No need to lie. Nobody did anything wrong. I never understood why she felt she has to lie. Maybe we should just leave it alone before we (I) break it...

I love Weasley twins. There's no getting around that. Every single time they appear they bring a smile to my face. They have always been my utmost favourite characters. Knowing people like that is awesome. I'd love for them to be a part of my life.

As well as their friend, Lee Jordan. His commentary of quidditch matches never ceases to be entertaining. It was such a cool idea to not only describe the action, but also have an additional commentary of one of the characters. Brilliant move on Rowling's part.

As They were searching for the info about Flamel I couldn't help but appreciate the internet XD Can you imagine Harry whiping out his Iphone and googling it? Technology... Getting rid of it is half the magic XD That's what makes it timeless!

The way Hagrid tells them that there's nothing to fear in the forest as long as they stay with him... aaaaand then tells them they'll split into two groups. Lol. Isn't that fun?

How the fuck did Harry and Ron manage to NOT feel something is strangling them until Hermione mentioned it? WTF And how stupid do you have to be not to move out of the way when your friends jump down? Wouldn't it suck if they land on top of you?

Ok, nuff with the randomness. So what is my final judgement?

My biggest gripe

That this book has one, serious flaw. Why for the fucks sake are the spells/traps protecting the stone presented alongside with ways of getting through them? Why not enchant figures to simply kill all that enter? Why put the un-openable door in, and a key nearby, instead of destroying it or Dumbledor keeping it in his pocket? How convenient. Why go through the hassle of conjuring freaky flames just to give a riddle alongside with potions to let you pass through them? Verdict: stupid fuckery. That's what always felt wrong to me in this book. The ending doesn't make much sense! Why?! This whole thing lacks gravitas. Why would you make it into a game? Dumbledor is a sick fuck, that's why. But why wouldn't other teachers protest? They were supposed to protect the stone, not make it into a game.

And I still don't like Snape. Now more than ever. No, I don't care much about his contribution to the cause - he's an asshole. Period. Charm of Alan Rickman sometimes makes me forget how unpleasant he's in the books.

I don't; however, have a problem with them winning the house cup. McGonagall was a bitch about subtracting points the night they transported Norbert. She took 150 points, Dumbledore gave them back.

And if you think about all the stupid subtractions Snape was allowed to do... Nope, it's not unfair. They deserved it. I'm with Dumbledore on that. Trying to save the world against all odds deserves at least a pat on the back.  Even if the threat was a bit...

This book doesn't not deserve 5 stars on its own. I absolutely understand people that upon reading it weren't impressed and couldn't comprehend the hype. I have a whole heap of reasons for my love of the series (which I will post when the group read is done). But even thought it's not perfect, I still appreciate many element's of the first instalment, like not dumbing it down the kids (which authors often do, and that's just insulting). The humour, the magic, captivating world, relatable characters, hardships instead of overwhelming sweetness... It's still a very good book. Just not perfect.

*** One surprising observation - I like the Polish translation more than the original. *gasp* I'm shocked too. I don't think I've ever said anything quite as sacrilegious as this before, but that's the truth. The language is more varied and complex, the words chosen to convey simple meanings are much more subtle giving the story more depth. Even the songs, rhymes and names of people and places are... (often) better. More smooth. More interesting. Less awkward. That discovery was an utter shock to me. It's not just a matter of not loosing things along the way, it's a matter of making them finer, more polished. After comparing both I can't continue to read Polish versions without any regret.

There's a:

• fun mischieve of Dee-Dum(twins)
• sarcasm
• common sense
• pure hilarity
• realism regarding human nature
• thrilling action
• cute & cudly stuff
• romance
• awkwardness
• risk
• dissolving society
• moral decay
• many shades of grey (in a best of ways)

Word count: about 80 000 of pure win

*If you haven't read the "Angelfall" or didn't like it, "World After" not for you*

I might have made a terrible mistake... I've read this book. And now I have to wait for the next part to come out.

This book excels in so many different ways, it's shocking. I'm in awe, not because it was the most awesomest  book I've ever read (I make no such claims), but because it was good in so many different ways.

We get an amazing glimpse into a dissolving society; moral norms that make us more than animals are very flimsy and can be easily stripped away, living only savage survival instincts to rule the masses. I like that. It's not like people don't remember the difference between right and wrong, but more primal emotions dictate their actions. Prejudice, fear, selfishness; all the ugly things, that are even now prevalent in our society, become more pronounced and run rampant, unchecked by social norms, free of consequences. All bets are off, kids, buckle your seatbelts.

Yes, let's introduce people to the concept of many shades of grey while we're at it (but in a good way). Charity begins at home. This was awesome. There were no heroes in this book (apart from Dee-Dum *maybe). People do bad shit because they benefit from it, and my father/mother/wife/child/friend or simply myself are more important than strangers. How about willingness to do something awful to have an opportunity to do something right? Nice one.

Penryn is a plausible character. Her priority is her family, but she struggles with doing the right thing, even when it comes to them. Hell, she struggles with what the right thing is, under the circumstances. She's not thoughtlessly bold, but even with her compassion, every act of courage takes an effort. She has enough common sense to recognize that avoiding trouble is the way to go in this world. What good is it to be a dead hero?

Her relationship with Raffe is great. There's no full blown eroticized romance. Nope, because well, there are priorities, plus he doesn't think that a girl is more important than the whole world. Nope. It doesn't mean they don't care, but there's important shit to take into consideration and actions have consequences. With that said... Awww.

Romance without substance, without plot is utterly boring. At least for me. It should be a small part of a book, not a centre of it, not a main forcer driving the plot (now isn't that a delightful way to murder a book?). If characters do important stuff and have personalities, all their actions matter more. No bland mushy stuff there. Look, it even gets awkward! I loved it. LOVED IT. GIVE ME MORE!!!

And their banter! YES!

Apart from balls/ovaries gripping action there was also true hilarity. Not just worth a chuckle, oh now, I found myself laughing out loud. Several times. And for me that's pretty rare. How many books do you know, that go from dark, to action, to laughing out laud? Ha? Ha!? Well, I don't know that many. It's a quite dark gritty stuff mixed with slight chuckles and even roaring laughter.

At this point I must emphasize how much I love Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum twins. They're truly a saving grace of humanity. People that have their morality sorted out, that don't panic, do the right thing and are able to have some fun amidst the carnage. Their mischief reminds me a lot of Weasley twins from HP. Now, that is a great complement. Their exactly my kind of people.

Ok, this review paean is getting long, so I'll wrap it up.

Plot is good, shit happens, good guys don't always win, there aren't even any real good guys there - all sides have serious faults. I liked that characters aren't perfect. I liked how Penryn was afraid, that at times she had to force herself to do the right thing or was about to break down. I admit, I wanted to be a snob and rate "World After" lower then everyone, but fuck, I enjoyed way too many things in this book to do that.

Writing a second instalment after a huge success of any novel, much less/more a début novel (fuck English idioms, I'm confused), is a serious challenge. Expectations can be very high.

The only serious gripe I have is that the book was too short.

Susan Ee, you have my respect.

 ...can be fun!

Time to start.

YEAH! FUCK YEAH! Maybe the kid will learn a valuable lesson. Good.

I'm awesome. I wrote a paper. A 10 page (impressive, I know) paper about multiple intelligences theory and kids between 7 and 10 years old in music schools. That's irrelevant. What matters is that I did it over night. And went ahead to do a presentation without any preparation (at 8AM). No sleep + no prep = got an A. Because I'm fucking amazing and writing academic papers can't beat me (I'm a master bullshitter)

"Due tomorrow, do tomorrow" pushed to utmost limits

So NOW it's finally HARRY POTTER TIME! Sleep? Who cares about sleep? Pff. Sleep is for the weak.

This seems to have become a pretty hot topic. Here's a rather interesting short video explaining copyright and it's origins. It also touches on what a mad thing it's become.

Word count: less than 100 000 (of pure torture)

I've never thought I'll  find a book so thoroughly bad. REAL fails in every way imaginable (and more). Grammar that will have you weep! Repetitions! Awkward as fuck language! Sentences that don't make sense! Punctuation that will make you homicidal! It's all there! Who could possibly resist?

I don't even know where to start, so just roll with it.

'Riptide' Remington Tate - male MC, does lot's of illegal boxing.

Brook - his luv (why she goes everywhere with him? To help him stretch, apparently... Yes. It's that stupid.)

*Mel - Brook's slutty, hyper active friend.

*** WARNING!!! This review may be quite long, but I promise, it's mostly gifs***

*** ANOTHER WARNING!!! If I use the word "literally" in this review, I mean it. No figurative new-age bullshit here. I'm against raping this poor word.***

SPOILERS - fuck that shit. Nothing happens. It's not like  there's anything to spoil. LITERALLY.

Let's start with writing (writhing in agony while experiencing this sorry excuse of "English"). Even if I'd love the story and characters (HA HA LOL) this book still would deserve a very low rating. Why? It shouldn't even get published! You wouldn't get a passing grade for any paper with that usage of language. Grammar and punctuation were appalling. Combined with the story and characters they made a mixture I must refuse. Reject. Belittle. Criticize. Throw against the wall. Scream at it. Kick it. Jump on it. Bite it. Burn and scatter the ashes over different bodies of running water.

You need to understand I'm not a native English speaker. I don't notice grammatical mistakes easily. If I was traumatized by something, it must have been serious. And every single paragraph of this book was dreadful. LITERALLY.

This book contains EVERY IMAGINABLE TYPE OF A MISTAKE.

Giving examples is hard, since there's usually more than one thing fucked up in a sentence. Just stay with me and appreciate the ride.

Why? Why?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Someone should slap the author. Is she that incoherent while she speaks? I don't mean little mistakes (though trust me, they were as plentiful as bacteria in your rectal canal) but huge ones that slam into your face turning you into a pug. Particularly ugly one that looks like it's having a seizure.

"It tickles when he exhales, and he’s so close, his lips would brush the back of my ear if he speaks." Yes, conditional sentences are hard (not).

You're a native speaker, for fuck's sake! Get your shit together!

Unfortunately I've lost my best 'bad grammar' quotes, :C but they included an 's' missing from a verb in a third person. Yes, it's REAL, it's happening.

You can also witness a coma carnage. There's no other way to put it. I know punctuation is debatable. I know. But! I want to protest against those barbaric customs.

First of all - stop eating commas! It's inhuman! What have they ever done to you?!

"I’m so worried to see him like this it’s eating me." Comma anywhere?  I'm no expert, so I could be wrong. But I also could be right. Bitch. And if I'm not correct in this case... there were more. A lot more.

"It’s grounded in me to protect her even from myself."

Second - don't just randomly drop (put) them in! What are you? Skrillex? Is this your version of dropping the bass?

"I inwardly flinch at the power in his punch; my body clenches at the sight of his muscles contracting and tensing, working and releasing, with each punch he delivers."  The last coma is superfluous. Why? because she's not giving additional info, she's fucking LISTING THINGS.

I probably should find some better examples, but fuck it. I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown here!

Right in the punctuation

"His image becomes a big blur through the tears in my eyes, and I have to swallow back the plea building in my throat where I want to beg him to, for the love of god, stop with this bullshit..."

“If I’d looked at you, I wouldn’t have been able to through with it.” Have you seen a missing word? Anyone? His family is worried sick! (No, I didn't type it in wrong. I've checked. Several times. I still can't believe it.)

"That night, I’m flying to Seattle, slumped in my seat, feeling as heavy and empty as an abandoned building, and I wonder as I stare unseeingly out the window if he’s already back to blue, and if he’s already reading my letter." SO. MUCH. WRONG.

"We’re in Los Angeles now, and the weather here is so blessed by the gods, I just want to be outside all day."

I don’t think the author knows what certain words mean.

"The bell rings, and all the atoms in my body hone in on Remington as both fighters go to center and toe to toe."  I point it out because it's not the only sentence in which she abused it.

Inventing words! Isn't that fun? (Not REALly)

“That his touch can arouse me to the extent it does makes me feel drunk and high and impossibly trembly. “ a) comma anywhere? B) WTF?!

You may also find yourself on the quest (yes, this is "the" ultimate quest) for missing prepositions. Or just a hunt for incorrect ones (hey, let's not limit ourselves!)

"He just opened up an unquenchable thirst and I don’t feel satisfied, but feel empty and anxious. My entire existence tonight is focused in watching that door."

Half sentences. 'nough said. Because random commas aren't bad enough. Let's add random periods too! That should be fun! There were perfectly fine sentences that had a sudden period in the middle 0.0 I'm a woman. Sudden periods have no appeal for me . 

What has been seen...

Word order - why not make it random? It's totally fine. (NOT)

Or maybe the author is just misunderstood! She pushes boundaries of language! It's artistic and deep and innovative! And one of her signature moves is double repetition. There was A LOT of it. A true multitude. 

"You make me deliriously happy and delirious, period"

“He licks his way into my warm mouth, with soft, probing licks, until I’m open and gasping…”

“I lived my entire life without him, but we made this crazy connection, and I just feel empty without him.”

"He smiles a satanic smile"

"all the length of my pink jean-clad thigh pressing against his jean-clad thigh"

clench - the number of "clenches" is too damn high.(71) So 71 on 479 pages. A clench every 6 pages. (not counting various synonyms) Clenching and tightening happen multiple times on about every page.

throb - that was popular too! (22)

sex - 153 (many of which are used as a synonym for vagina)

lick - 90 (mostly in an utterly weird context)

I feel - 117

feel - 354

But you know what, in a way it's magnificent. That book is great at being monotone! One of ways to achieve it are repetitions. Certain words are like herpes. They keep comping back.

Lets roll out more quotes! (I don't need to do much, just show you those scream inducing things)

"The instant he comes trotting down the wide hall between the stands, in that shiny red hooded robe, my pulse jumps, my tummy clenches, and I have the awful desperate urge to flee back to my home." You don't flee to places, you flee from places. Just saying.  AND the first comma is totally unnecessary. WTF? Why? Why did you put a comma there? Were you on crack? Give me some! I'll fucking need it to finish this review.

"Like radiation, there’s something I should be able to take to protect myself, but I just can’t figure it out." I'm pretty sure radiation doesn't have to take any pills, since it has no stomach... No. I will not 'take it easy'.

“It’s hard to watch you fight, but to watch you suicide yourself is…” NO.Just no. FUCK YOU!

"The word “bipolar” is not really a word I’m familiar with, except by listening to it from afar. I’ve never met anyone who’s had it..." What? You've never met anyone that had this word? Poor you. Now, seriously. You don't 'have' a bipolar. You 'are' bipolar.  You can have a 'bipolar disorder' though. And no, I refuse to comment on the rest of horrid things in this sentence.

 “A stream of sensations shoots through my body as he comes trotting out, and I instantly feel the liquid heat gushing into my panties” How about 'as he trots out'? No need to make it so awkward. Though with all those liquids... I don't think many would notice. (Yes! Lets disguise one fuck-up with an even bigger one! That should work.) Is she about to give birth? Or maybe has issues with urinal incontinence?

“The bugs flutter all over my stomach as I remember him telling Pete and Riley for me not to see.” My brain hurts.

“People are even littered out in a hall” FUCK. YOU!!!

"When I’m done, he brushes my hair back and looks positively intimate." You know what, you've been feeding me this 'language' for so long, I don't now if it's ok or not. Can a person look intimate? A situation can be intimate. But this? Congratualtions! You broke my English! Are you happy? ARE YOU?!

"He grabs the cotton in his fist and with a muscular yank, tosses it over his head, and I quickly slide my hands over his chest, kissing every part I can get."

a) 'muscular' is not used for describing actions (at least it wasn't until now). An arm can be muscular, a guy can be muscular, I'd even accept a muscular jellyfish (under right circumstances. Trippy.)... but there's no muscular walk, muscular jump, muscular fall and, as an extension, muscular yank.

b) PUNCTUATION BITCH!

c) 'kissing every part I can get'... Unless his body parts are on sale (creepy) than nope, something is missing. Like: 'kissing every part I can get to' or simply 'reach'. But who cares! They want to fuck! What is grammar and punctuation in light of THAT!

"She puts love songs to me, and I cling to the lyrics like she wrote them for me" *weeps in a corner* Please, stop, the damage will be irreversible!

Sometimes it's hard not to give a fuck. Just know that I've tried

"I want to bend down and touch and kiss him right there"  Cause god forbid we call  penis 'penis'.

I thought I’m the undisputed queen of bad metaphors, but author of REAL really takes the cake. (HA HA, I wonder how many bad puns I can squeeze in *cries*) I’m not sure where she takes it…  Maybe to a bakery, “to see other cakes”.

"I’m desperate to give myself some relief from the continual, exhausting hormonal rampage of being exposed to him. Like radiation, there’s something I should be able to take to protect myself, but I just can’t figure it out."

“He looks so impossibly handsome my insides flutter with renewed intensity”

“His stare is so hot it galvanizes me”

"Impotent anger rages through me, making my throat curl tightly around my words."

"The way his eyes claw into me."

"He trains like an animal. Hours and hours with Coach, and then he still seems as fresh as sunshine when he comes ask me to run with him the evenings." Yeah! Not only is it stupid because a) animals don't train b) fresh as sunshine? c) comes TO ask me! What did I tell you about missing prepositions!?

"I feel richer than a country." Well, I AM richer than a country. Most countries. actually. They're all in  fucking debt! Is that supposed to impress me?

General weirdness:

licking……….. “He groans a male sound as he turns his head and licks my cheek.” Or “He slowly, wetly, licks my jaw. My chin. And then… my lips.” You see what I mean?  “He licks his way into my warm mouth, with soft, probing licks, until I’m open and gasping…”  All three are taken from the same fucking paragraph.

“… he murmurs, licking into my ear, his eyes sparkling…” Fuck logic. Eww! Isn't that deliciously disgusting?

"He scents the back of my ear. Then I feel his hand, scraping down my hair, softly petting me. His tongue follows, lightly lapping the place on my neck he bit in the

shower. He drags it along the curve of my shoulders, my ear, awakening every inch of my skin. I feel like he’s a lazy lion, bathing me with his tongue, licking and nuzzling me."

“He makes me feel eighteen. Virginal and wanton.”

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 “I bend to the shell of his ear and softly buzz my lips along his earlobe” Gurl, you’re way more fun than me. What is wrong with them? He vibrates, she buzzes… Fuckig….

"My extremities tingle when I peek up at his shadowed face and realize I’m in bed with him." What are you? An alien?

Isn't that sexy?

"A drop of water clings to one of the small, brown tips of his nipples, and it takes all my willpower to fight against a deep, soul-shattering need to lean over and suck it into my mouth. Not the drop of water. His nipple." Thanks for the clarification. I  thought you were parched.

"His nakedness in the moonlight makes me wet in the mouth, and between my legs, legs which feel like cotton now."

"He fucks my ear with slow, deep flicks of his tongue."

"I’m almost cross-eyed with desire"

"His erection bites into my stomach, and I realize he’s gone completely territorial"

"Remington vibrates against me"

"His erection vibrates in my hand, and I shake with a new, even fiercer need when I feel his size, his strength, pulsing hot and commandingly. " I think something is very wrong with Remington. And you. People don't vibrate (or my boyfriend's been lying to me. Should I feel cheated? ). And no, this is not a correct use of the word commanding". 

There was so much wrong with the sex scenes... I'm not certain if the author ever had sex. You see, men don't remain 'hard as a rock' after having an orgasm.

Some more explicit sex-quotes in the spoiler (if someone's interested):

Or how about this little gem?

"Pete’s words roll inside my head as I stare off into the peach-colored hotel wallpaper." This is one of those dramatic moments when short sentences would do. Congratulations! What a wonderful way to spoil the dramatic tension! You just suddenly decide to start giving us interior designs details?! REALly?

And, naturally, we also have annoying nick-names. That's standard procedure nowadays...

This author parted with logic and common sense in early childhood and, apparently, never looked back.

A sweaty violent guy chases you, grabs you and asks for your name. What do you do:

a)      Banana dance

b)      Tell him to let go

c)      Scream for help

d)      Give it to him

And let's get something straight. If something clenches in me at a boxing match, it’s usually my stomach because I’m about to throw up. I don't get horny to the point of loosing my mind upon seeing two guys pound each other (or do I? *wiggles eyebrows*) Is something wrong with me?

Brook is stupid. What was the most humiliating thing in her life? A contusion during a sports competition. She repeatedly talks about it, but doesn't focus on how it ruined her life, oh no, she goes on about how humiliating it was. Getting injured during a sport event is not humiliating. Running and having your knee give out is tragic, heartbreaking, devastating... Let's all pay attention to language we've agreed on.

She really wants to fuck a guy - then proceeds to call it 'love'

She has no survival instinct.

I hate her best friend, Melanie. I usually dislike 'besties' in books, I do. But in this case it nearly drove me insane.

a) slut shaming. MC calls her friend a slut (in her thoughts) and generally thinks badly of her.

b) said friend has an IQ of a toaster (but our MC is one chromosome from being a potato, so that works for them, I guess...)

c) Melanie (friend) has no sense of what is appropriate, and when (her "jokes" and "pranks" made me want to slap her. In the face. With a hammer. A hammer truck, preferably) Isn't ordering food in a drive-through and leaving others to pay funny? Oh, hilarity.

d) Mel calls Brook a whore. Repeatedly. That's not funny. But then she goes all cute, using nicknames (like 'goose' or 'nugget'). But that's just because Emmerson said that "Consistency is a hobgoblin of little minds" and Mel is s very deep person.

e) infantile, stupid & bitchy

"There she is. Right out of a Legally Blonde movie.My sweet Melanie, hauling a flashy pink suitcase behind her and with her blond hair loose and a pair of sunglasses atop her head. She’s not a bimbo, but she sure likes dressing like one. As an eclectic interior designer, she brings the touch of eccentric to her person too. As far as she’s concerned, everything goes well together. And today she looks like a rainbow,  lighting up my world." I hope you die a horrible death.

But that's ok, because other characters don't matter at all. They have no personalities whatsoever. Nothing matters apart form MCs' sex drive.

I don’t think the author understands what illegal underground fighting means. With all the publicity, 2.3 million twitter fans… MC even wants to be able to use working with him as a future job reference! Are you fucking kidding me?

And he's rich. Millionaire rich. Private jet owning rich. He's a star that's in advertisements. And tickets are sold online. By the way,  women shouldn't be a majority of the audience at any fights, much less illegal ones. And, no, they don't come there to scream at a hot guy to fuck them.  

I can't put enough quotation marks around the word "story" so I won't even try.

Nothing happens. LITERALLY. There's no story. Fights and places are barely mentioned in the passing and aren't very exciting. Riptide always wins without putting any effort into it.  All fights are simply descriptions of her clenching sex and him knocking guys out (that part is not described, only her arousal is). No suspense. No action. No detail. Nothing.Only constant, repetitious descriptions of how much she clenches in wanting of his big cock. That's it.

I've never read a book that literally had no story. Now I feel guilty for all the times I've said it in the past.

This book = how much she wants to fuck him (75%) + sex (20%) + rest (5%)

Embodiment of love at first sight. It's revolting.

"I wanted him that first night, when I tried to brainwash myself and pretend I didn’t."

And their relationship never develops. There's no chance for them to get to know each other, so we end up with those two bricks without personalities that want to hump. I can't put into words how bad that is. They don't talk. They don't do things together. And yet they both admit undying love since... They've seen each other for the first time. He KNEW she's the one. He just HAD to have her. Riiiiight... It's really hard to make relationship believable when an entire book consists of descriptions of Brook's horniness.

No character building, no relationship development...

MC is a dumb bitch

There's one 'plot twist/ thing that happens' and it's immensely stupid. Once again – in dealing with a dangerous, probably criminal situation, out heroine doesn’t call the police. She could’ve. She could’ve said that she thinks her sister is kept against her will, that people won’t let her see her. But no, why call for someone authorized to help? Then our little dumb bitch wouldn’t be a “hero”. What's with this trend?

"I want Nora to be safe, but I desperately need Rem back in the hotel, where I’m sure I could try to appease him with sex. If he wants to break me into submission, then by god I’ll let the man believe anything he wants, just to get him calm and easy again."

"I think I want this to be my new home. I think if I’d known this man the day I broke my knee, and he’d held me like this, my knee wouldn’t have even mattered. Only the fact that his arms were around me would." *stab* I just took a pencil in the knee.

"She screams when his opponent falls to the ground with a loud thump. My panties are soaked, and my pulse has gone haywire." Sounds like a sick sadist to me.

"As the fight progresses, my nipples strain, even more puckered and tighter, against my top, pushing anxiously against the silk of the fabric. Somehow watching Remington Tate pound a man they call “Hammer” makes me squirm in my skirt in a way I don’t like, much less ever expected." So gaaaay XD Now isn't that ambiguous? But also SENTENCE STRUCTURE. Is it really the best you can do, Evans? Really? THAT?!

Facts? What are facts? I've never heard of such things...

Everything is wrong.

- illegal fighting.

-Brook sees that her sister touches her nose. Immediate conclusion – she’s doing lots of cocaine. Are there any other symptoms in sight? Nope. Just that. Are there other things you could snort? Sure, but who cares!

- Riptide has thick hair, but no chest hair. Not one in sight. That's what Brook says. I hate to disappoint the author, but human biology doesn't work like that. You're hairy or not. You can't have a thick mane on your head and be smooth as a baby everywhere else.

- how much do you have to pay a few exclusive escorts for wasting their time, when you tell them their services won't be needed? 100$ ... Yes, I know. Even I'd be offended.

- "I don’t understand the overwhelming amount of oxytocin hormones that my body makes" Me neither. Again, author haven't even checked out wikipedia and got really confused.

The portrayal of bipolar disorder. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Please STOP MAKING UP THEORIES! Apparently she didn't even read the wikipedia page.

Now, I'm not an expert, but here's what we learn from REAL:

- bipolar people don't remember their manic episodes (author simplified. Yes, memory and cognitive skills are often impaired, but what she presents is bullshit)

- bipolar person goes from normal to aggressive (Not true, again a grand simplification of what 'mania' is. And if you're describing one of the rare cases in which 'depressive' episodes are absent, it's worth mentioning.)

And I mean it! The average bipolar patient will be depressed more often than manic. And shifts don't happen all that often.

- eye colour changes significantly, when you go into a different 'mode' - I'd like the author to elaborate, because that is a very interesting thing and I haven't read much about it. But nope. All we get is this:

“He was actually under intense scrutiny all those years at the psych ward because of the eye color change,” he adds. “It’s not uncommon for BPs to have it, but it’s

rare."

Make up your mind, is it rare or not uncommon?

You want to know how stupid Brook is? She learned he's bipolar. What she does? NOTHING. No research whatsoever! Because it's so hard to google things.

What he tells her about his condition?

"I'm take as-is I'm not medicationg. It makes me feel dead and I intend to live my life alive." Well, I intend to live my life dead :/ What is a proper reaction to hearing that an aggressive,  very strong and big guy actually has a mental problem and is not taking any meds?

Apparently, this: "I nod in understanding. I refused to take anti-depressants when I supposedly, clinically, needed them after my fall I believe it is your choice how you live with your sickness, and sometimes the remedy is worse than the disease. He's a man who eats so right, and any chemical can unbalance him. I see that." I see you need a lobotomy.

a) what the fuck is wrong with the last sentence? Can we even call it a sentence?

b) oh, he eats right. That's why he doesn't need meds for his fucking MENTAL DISORDER!!! Because eating right makes you more vulnerable to the evil meds. Wait, what?

c) congratulations! You're a now officially a 'REALly dumb bitch'. Here's your certificate. YOU too didn't take meds when they could have helped...

Meds actually help to balance a bipolar person. Just read about it. Or check out interviews with Beth Heart, she's a singer that suffers form this condition. She talks about how much meds helped her, and what  it was like to live with a bipolar disorder without knowing about it.

Or let's look at wikipedia "Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing medications and psychotherapy. In serious cases, in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others, involuntary commitment may be used. These cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation." 

So what do we do when our not-medicated Riptide gets out of hand?

Yes,t let's just give him sedatives. Cause that sounds like a reasonable soluton. Not destructive at all.

What doctors say? "It's crucial to treat a manic phase (typically with mood-stabilizing drugs). If untreated, it can progress from an elevated mood to euphoria to extreme disorganization and other common signs of mania -- lack of sleep, increased energy, and disorganized behavior that interferes with relationships," 

But fuck it. We have our love! Who would need medication anyway!

GAH! I'm sorry it's long. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm sorry there's not much structure to it, but I can't get my shit together for this. It was Bad. RALly bad (let's make that a thing, shall we?). I'm done. I give up. I won't even write a proper, to the point, review.

So why have I read it? I've read too many good books lately and needed my suck-o-meter re-set. But admittedly there was no need to take that kind of hopeless plunge into a lego-filled-hole occupied by porcupines. Nope.  At least I did a service to humanity by rating the book down...

200 books bitches!

Despite being inordinately busy lately (

) I've managed to finish my reading challenge. I don't think I'll go for such a high mark next year (at least for me it was high). It puts lots of pressure on me. I'm not good with goals and tasks and expectations. But reaching it made me very happy :D

And now I better sleep before my body makes that decision for me.

*** I'm also done with REAL. My review massacration of it will become available tomorrow***

52%

No more. I can't. Why am I doing it to myself?

Fuck you! Fuck the author for writing it. Fuck her friends and family for not hitting her over the head when they saw what she was doing. Fuck her teachers, because they didn't do their fucking job. Fuck all that think that having a computer makes you a writer. Fuck those that allow this nonsense to spread. Fuck the publisher. Fuck his family. Fuck the stupid people that gave that book anything other than the lowest  possible rating. Fuck this new horrible trend. Fuck lack of common sense. Fuck the horrible punctuation that no one bothered to correct. Fuck this pseudo grammar. Fuck bookstors that ordered it. Fuck all the metaphors that don't make any sense. Fuck all the 'sex' clenching. Fuck this 'eel' girl with 'watery thighs'.  Fuck stupid horny nonsense. Fuck an absolute lack of any, ANY story. Fuck every torturous minute of this shitfest. Fuck you all for plummeting standards in society. Fuck people that dare to call it a book. Fuck every single page. Fuck every single monstrosity that I wouldn't even dare to call a sentence. Fuck the absolute disconnection from reality. Fuck logic while we're at it (because it should breed and spread, and it doesn't). Fuck a ten feet pole with which I wouldn't want to touch that thing. Fuck the torturous of writing. Fuck the dying literature. Fuck any pretence of it being 'all right'. Fuck people that say it's not a big deal.  And, above all, fuck me for reading it.

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to finish it. if not:

10 % (going is slow)

"... what would make me enormously happy and satisfied as a professional is that from now on, when Remington Tate fights in a ring, he will flow like a ribbon with the strength of a dozen oxen..."

She fastens seatbelt on a plain and is surprised he doesn't do it. On a plane. Really?

Oh, and apparently once she stopped training for real, her muscles just... went away? Even though she still exercises? I'm confused. But that's nothing compared to her getting pawed by him (it's normal for a stranger client to get touchy-feely with your injury, is it not? )

OMG, I got to "Every sexual organ in me is awake and aching. My genetically induced mating instincts are at full attention, roaring inside me."

"He's selecting a song for me from his own apparatus..." ??? Yes, calling an i-pod an apparatus is totally normal.

"My love for girl power songs is almost legendary" Too bad you don't practice what they preach.

"...and the way his sweatpants hang low on his narrow hips make my breasts feel so heavy and painful I swear to god I can't imagine how it will feel when I'm lactating one day".

"Rivulets of sweat cling to his torso, and I know he's perfectly warm and that his muscles have been trained to exhaustion. There's no more muscle glycogen in storage, his glucose will be low, and he'll be so hot he'll be like a warmed pretzel when I maneuver him"

"My sex muscles clench and I try to relax them, but every time he groans, they grip and clench tighter."

***

I don't know if I can keep up the updates. It's exhausting. I thing I'll just finish it. I have enough ammunition to kill it 30 times over.

Now, some cat's being assholes (to make us all feel better after what we've read):